Adit asked me today if I had been posting anything here, and I realized that since I woke up I hadn’t.
I guess with learning that Adit had discovered this blog took away a little of the fun for me. And now that it’s just on this old tablet it seems less like a blog and more just some text file.
But reading it over from the beginning earlier today made me realize I wanted to continue posting. I don’t want to forget these days working on Alpha.
So let me catch up: I’m awake now (sleep typing not being one of the side effects) and at night I go to sleep. Seems simple enough but just a few weeks ago that scenario terrified me.
The first “night” I slept for eighteen hours. When I woke up I was hungrier than I had ever been in my life. I rushed around eating every scrap of food I could find. When I sat down after eating I felt increasingly tired and worn. The idea of going back to sleep again and so soon was frightening. I began searching for some Orexinal. Instead all I found were notes from Adit listing all the things I now owed him.
“Sorry Rob, but I found them first. You owe me a coke – Adit”
“Nope – you owe me a weekend without you guys calling.”
I basically am going to have to take Adit out to the nicest restaurant in the green zone
I quickly gave up searching and headed towards the bed. I barely made it.
Sixteen hours later I was awake again and starving.
Having no food left at my place I headed down to the campus cafeteria. As I walked to a table I passed some guys from Alpha’s geology team and they grew quiet as I walked by.
I was devastated. I think that was when I realized how much damage I had done to myself and to the project as a whole. I wanted to lead more than a team; I wanted the team to be a family. My family. Adit could be my brother. Janice could be my wife. Sally my daughter. But at that moment I realized that instead I was the drunk dad who almost ruined it for everyone.
I went straight back to my room. I was already having trouble walking and my head hurt. I was getting tired again, but I made sure to search everywhere to make sure every stash of Orexinal was found and flushed. I checked between the cushions and under the desk, I didn’t want one of those damn pills around.
As I start to drift off I left a semi coherent message for Adit asking him for yet one more favor. To search my office and make sure there weren’t any pills there for me to find.
And I told him I’d be in the office the next day ready to work a full day.
I was there the next day but a full day seemed beyond my abilities for nearly a week.